Wannabe Bond

So what’s actually involved in moving your ADSL line that is with MWEB? It’s not a matter of just calling them. And its not a matter of calling Telkom.

Here’s what I went through:

1. Call Telkom.
2. Guess which is correct option to choose. I didn’t choose 1 for ‘Simple.’
3. Type in telephone number.
4. Wait. A lot.
5. Get through. Get asked telephone number.
6. Push fingers through eyeballs.
7. Give name, cell number, ID number, address, previous address, and first pets license number.
8. Get told by operator, ‘Sorry, this line is with Mweb. You must call them.’
9. Have a stiff whisky.
10. Call Mweb. Listen to guy say ‘Any changes will take extra long.’
11. Sigh. A lot.
12. Get through. Smile as operator actually speaks English.
13. Get told “No problem, I’ll mail you a Moving form, send it back, we’ll handle the rest.”
14. Receive form. Notice heading is Moving form. But form is for canceling subscription.
15. Fill in form, using psychic abilities to decipher the jargon, all the while worrying they might actually cancel your account.
16. Send back form. Get an email a day or two later saying, they will SMS you when its done.
17. Smile.
18. Wait.
19. Wait more.
20. Chew nails.
21. Move house.
22. Call Telkom for an update. (See points 1 to 7.)
23. Get told by Telkom operator, no request exists.
24. Throw paper airplane off balcony as you try to achieve Zen.
25. Call Mweb. (See points 10 to 12.)
26. Get told, “Request has been made to give line back to Telkom. Let me find reference number and I’ll call you back.”
27. Hang up. Then wonder about that ‘give line back to Telkom’ comment.
28. Never get called back.
29. Receive email from MWEB saying you have used your 1GB cap. Assume they’ve lost it, cos “I’ve got uncapped.”
30. Receive another email saying ‘You are now paying 20c a Megabyte.
31. Say WTF very loud.
32. Phone Mweb. Say WTF, but nicer.
33. Get told, “standard policy is drop clients to lowest package when they move.” Explain, you are still using the line, and need uncapped. Ask about transfer. Get confirmation, “Telkom has been informed and here is reference number.”
34. Call Telkom (point 1-7). Get told, ‘Yes Mweb has passed line back.’ Enquire about moving of line. “Yes you can now request for the line to be moved.”
35. Wish you were in a cot, so you could throw your toys out of it.
36. Request move. Get informed it will take 21 WORKING days.
37. Twiddle your thumbs for 1 month…